January 2007

 

 

Despite the popularity of a certain monosyllabic, sex-tape-producing hotel heiress and her socialite peers, I really don’t believe men find ditziness sexy. My own fiancée once laid claim to this idea, telling me before we started dating that he liked vapid girls. Of course, he didn’t use the word vapid because he wouldn’t know what it means, but basically he told me he liked dumb blondes. Being neither dumb nor blonde, I dismissed his romantic potential, thinking to myself that that was fine with me because I only like smart men.

Fortunately, we were both wrong. He turned out to be plenty smart, and he also turned out to be plenty into successful girls. Not that I’ve scaled the Mt. Everest of the intellectual world or anything. But the prevailing, media-endorsed myth is that men are intimidated by women who can make up their own minds and provide for themselves. And who among us doesn’t fall into that category?

After all, aren’t we the generation that came of age when Beyoncé and crew topped the Billboard charts with “Independent Women”? I distinctly remember singing along—chorusing, actually, with my girlfriends—to lyrics like, “The rock I’m rocking, I bought it.” In my college-aged glamour budget, the rock may have been better used as a stone in a micro-pavé setting and the overdue charges on my Neiman’s card equal to the cost of my tuition for the semester, but that’s beside the point. The point is, young women are buoyed by statements of “girl power” and taught to pursue their dreams with ferocity and tenacity. But if we actually live up to our ambitions, does that mean we’re destined to a life of singledom that’s not of our own choosing?   

In Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women (Simon & Schuster, 2006), Dr. Christine B. Whelan compiles a list of recent media headlines that imply just that: “Men Prefer to Wed Secretary” (UPI newswire); “Too Smart to Marry” (Atlantic Monthly); “Here Dumbs the Bride” and “Alpha Females Use Their Heads but Lost Their Hearts” (foreign newsdailies). Building on research that found that the more educated, successful or intelligent a woman was, the lower her chances were of getting married, the media propagated these stories every time a new study was released. Why? Probably because sales jumped when all the grandmothers rushed out and bought ten copies a piece—one for each granddaughter.

Ok, for the record, my grandmother wishes me lots of success (though she’s begging for great-grandkids too). But whether it comes from an old-fashioned relative, a well-meaning friend, or a favorite character on TV, most young women have been exposed to their idea that their success makes them less attractive to the opposite sex. I remember a specific instance in graduate school when my fellow classmates—all female, all intelligent and all several years older than me—echoed that sentiment. I must’ve written a story about a woman unhappy in love, because my 60-year old classmate Sandra, a three-time divorcée, said to me, “Darling, just accept the fact that your intelligence is always going to scare men off.” My instinct was to dismiss her comment, but three of the four other women present nodded their agreement. Even though I started graduate school before I was even legally old enough to drink at the inaugural receptions, and marriage was certainly not on my mind at that time, I was unsettled for a long time by the idea that my classmates’ prediction could hold true.     

Clearly on the intelligent end of the spectrum herself, Whelan met this kind of mentality often. She says that 66 percent of SWANS (Strong Women Achievers, No Spouse) disagree with the statement, “My career or educational success increases my changes of getting married.” Whelan obviously agreed with the statement, and she embarked on some research of her own. First, she set out to provide context for the previous studies done on the correlation between success and singlehood—namely to provide reasons for why they are invalid, such as the age of the test subjects, or size of the study. Then she compiled research that shows just the opposite—that the more educated, higher paid or successful a woman is, the greater her chances are of getting married.

Whelan cites an article in the American Journal of Sociology that says high-status and powerful women are rated as more attractive, as well as a study by UCLA professor Megan Sweeney that finds that higher-earning women marry at higher rates. A study by economist Elaina Rose at the University of Washington, and new census data even find that as women hit their 30s, their chances of getting married increase with their success.

Whelan uses the findings as a springboard for the argument that SWANS’ personal achievements—advanced educations, professional security and international experiences—lead them to have happier and more successful marital unions. She says that marriages are enhanced when the woman has waited a while to wed, and cites further research indicating that women without a college degree are almost twice as likely to divorce or stay in abusive relationships.

While Whelan’s findings are encouraging to those who fear Paris Hilton imitations are the only things that will land them a date, what does it say about women if we need a book like Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women to assure us that we can be successful and still find love? Isn’t that the kind of hand-holding we, high-achieving women of the world, profess not to need anymore? According to Whelan’s statistics, 92 percent of men are more attracted to women who are successful in their careers. Why do only around 30 percent of women believe that to be true? Yes, men do make passes at girls who wear glasses. But more importantly, why do those glasses make us feel so damn unattractive?