Life seems like one test after another

LIFE
Sometimes It Seems Like
One Test After Another
By Neli Lalanne

For a while now I have been in the twilight zone, feeling the same way I did when Mrs. Joseph held up my face and said "Child you are so pretty for a dark-skinned girl;" confused, slightly offended and suddenly unsure about things I'd never before questioned.

While in University you hear lots of horror stories about life post graduation, you hear about how John with the engineering degree still lives at home because he couldn't find a job, or about how Tara is still waitressing because her psychology degree proved to be only good for analyzing her friends issues, friends whom by the way were unpaying patients. You shake your head along with the others, sigh and exchange sad looks but not once do you really envision the possibility of sharing John's misery or Tara's harsh life debut.

It wasn't until three months after graduation with a diploma in one hand and my fifth rejection letter in the other that I began to do more than entertain the idea that maybe the so well crafted system wasn't so well crafted. As the stack of unpaid bills grew taller and creditors phone calls and letters became respectively less courteous and more frequent I surprisingly remained cheerful, after all the economy is down and most grads don't find employment until after 6 months. Another four weeks went by before I started to avoid answering the phone between the hours of 8am to 6pm on weekdays just so I wouldn't have to repeat "yes I am home and no I am not off." By then I wore a fake smile to social events where those who were employed mercilessly inquired about my job status. I felt like Prometheus, unlucky Greek god, lashed to a pillar and doomed to bleed under the talon of an eagle forever.

Funny thing about life, it tends to have a morbid sense of humor and is rarely satisfied about screwing up just one aspect of your existence. While my professional life was indefinitely on hold, my emotional life was speeding up on the fast lane. Dating men A and B while allowing man D to see through me, sharing private thoughts with one, laughing with another, chaos all over. At times I would put the music on too loud so as to not hear my thoughts. Fearful of seeing how I was changing I would refuse to look past my reflection in the mirror. I laughed too loud, partied too hard and would wake up the next morning with the same mental and emotional void occupying my brain and congesting my chest.

For seven months I wondered in the shadows, living like a pale version of me. Until I got that phone call, someone had heard my pleas for secour, a five minute conversation during which I got offered and accepted a job made the world make sense again.

After this episode I discovered really how much of a coward I could be. Falling down after taking one blow from life, shitting bricks because things didn't go as planned and not being able to devise an adequate remedy even after sensing the disease. Pathetic. Realizing a weakness is perhaps the first step to healing it. Today I see that and other things as well. Life isn't custom designed to fit one's needs, it will kick you and stomp on you while you are down, and if self pity is the only armor you wear and a diploma the only weapon you carry then get ready for defeat. Mrs. Joseph, yesterday you exposed me to the cripple-minded, ignorant side of people, today I face flagrant flaws of the system; and who knows what else tomorrow. Human beings like you and challenges like the ones I have and have yet to confront, are part of what make the world go round. Well guess what, I am ready for whatever else the world will come up with.