FRIDAY NIGHT
8 O’CLOCK?
The Decorum On
Sex And Dating
By Neli Lalanne

Scenario 1
You are sitting across from him. The lights in the restaurant are appropriately dim, there is a half-dying candle in the middle of the table and dessert should be on its way soon.  His leg accidentally grazed yours twice already and you caught him staring at your lips earlier on.  He is smart, funny, employed and with a perfectly round posterior (you peaked when he got up to use the restroom).   The attraction between you two is glaring, in fact if there were any more sparks, fire Marshalls would be surrounding the premises.  His gaze is so hypnotizing that you even considered handing him over your now soaking underwear as an impromptu gift. All of this is running through your mind and the crème brulee hasn’t even been served yet.  

There is only one problem, it is your first date…You couldn’t, could you? You pause for a second but you label your hesitation ‘regressive’. After all you burnt your bra years ago, you are a self proclaimed renaissance woman who follows her instincts (in that case her hormones) and sets her own rules. That same spirit gets you over his place for ‘coffee’.  Next thing you know you are singing soprano while engaging in mind-blowing bedroom acrobatics.  The following morning you two wake up, chit-chat for a bit and you hop in your vehicle en route to your own bed.  The ride back is a painful one as suddenly you are assailed by pangs of guilt.  Was it a mistake? Is he thinking you are easy? Will he call? Most importantly will he remember the feel of your unshaven legs when he calls…if he calls? Hours later you are still torturing yourself. You could never tell anyone about this premature act, they will definitely label you a slut.  You were supposed to be Kilimanjaro, untouchable…at least for a month.  Did you just annihilate all possibility of building a relationship with this guy?  Did you satisfy his needs yet lose his respect by the same token?

Scenario 2
You met about three weeks ago.  Things are just brilliant; he is attentive and holds your hand in public.  On more then one occasion you’ve imagined him pinning you against the nearest wall and fulfilling your carnal desires while appeasing his; but you want to go slow and allow time to pass by before jumping into bed.  You consulted many a women’s magazine and decided to quiet down your physical urges for the greater good of a potential relationship. Meanwhile as the days go by, you begin to fantasize about how that first time would be, where it would be, how great it has to be.  You already know what track of Barry White’s CD will be playing while your dress/teddy/nightgown slips on the floor.  It will be amazing, he will be amazing. After all you are waiting for this. It will be like eating the steak after the peas and the potatoes, delayed gratification. It just has to exceed your expectations.

So now it’s been 2 months and at a rate of 2 dates a week you know his last name, his mother’s maiden name and his dog’s flea medication; you are ready.  The awaited night has arrived and instead of the thrilling feel of spontaneity, discomfort has settled in (oh my!). The oh-so-awkward silence is established and a series of even more awkward moves begin and conclude what you had hoped to be the ideal experience.  Was it because he forgot the Barry White CD or did the pressure to deliver paralyze the both of you? You waited two months, took many strolls by the river and yet, things just didn’t seem to flow; (how could you forget the white elephant laying between you two after the act). Is that the end of the relationship?. Does suppressing your natural instincts for the sake of time, enhance your chances of building a concrete relationship or does waiting create unnecessary pressure which kill impulsiveness and cause expectations to be unsatisfied?

These two scenarios are merely examples and by no means encapsulate the myriad of directions either choice (wait or not wait) can lead to.  Views and opinions on the decorum that should be followed when it comes to sex and dating will inevitably vary; depending on one’s background, culture, religion and upbringing reactions will differ.  To get a better idea on the subject I went ahead and asked 20 individuals where they stood on the matter. A few questions were posed: “After how many dates should two people have intercourse, does time matter and if so what are the pros and cons of waiting?” The feedback was insightful and even comical at times.  B’s (male-24) take on the subject was as follows “…well it depends, but I would say that if a girl has sex on the first date she is a slut, the second date, she is easy, if she doesn’t on the third date she is a tease and if she is still holding out on the fourth date then it’s just not worth it”.  Carl (26) said that it depends on what one is looking for ‘…If the individuals are looking for something more serious then a roll in the way, waiting is a good idea because typically when people rush into bed together, it just never lasts”.  Marie (19) maintains “...Time shouldn’t matter if there is a connection between both people and both are willing”. Sheryl (44) however responded that “...Sex is a serious act which should only take place after vows have been exchanged’.

Within the 18 to 30 age range, the general consensus was 3 dates, between 30 and 60 the views were a bit more conservative and the advice was to wait until marriage prior to having sex. Interestingly enough the consequences of waiting or not waiting seem to only affect the females as they are the ones whom either get praised when they demonstrate patience or criticized  when they don’t follow the proverbial 3 dates rule. On the other hand society seems to condone men’s behavior when they haste to bed, not scrutinize it. This un-evenness is perhaps one core element of the dating debacle, but we can address society’s ‘quirks’ at a later time.  For now though, one thing is certain, men and women will keep partaking in this ever so unpredictable tango we call dating. Weather you choose to wait or do away with timelines will be a direct reflection of your beliefs and should be your own decision. However allowing your physical needs to cloud your vision and in turn cause you to not take into consideration the slew of possible outcomes your leap of faith (leap on the mattress) might lead to can be a tad risky.  You wouldn’t buy a Mercedes without being absolutely sure that it would call you back… correction, you wouldn’t buy a Mercedes without being absolutely sure that it was a sound decision in the long run, no matter how shiny the rims seem. Perhaps applying that same caution to your own dating life would be advisable, not because ‘society’ said so but rather because it is your life and ultimately your consequences.

In this day in age sex is bound to happen sooner or later; just be sure regardless of the option you choose to have a condom at your reach, because let’s face it, if a relationship is fated to disintegrate (may if be after 1 date or 78 dates) an unplanned pregnancy will not help either of you get over it. So with that in mind, do tell, are you free Friday night?