March 2007

 

Cheating: Depending on how you look at it, it’s the ultimate selfish act – or the ultimate guilty pleasure. Sarah Braun*, a 30-something Swedish-born New Yorker with long blond locks and legs to match, views it as the latter. “My boyfriend travels for work all of the time, and I get lonely – I’ve got needs like any other person,” she says. “In lot of ways, I feel justified. Even when he is around, we fight a lot, and he’s often too tired to have sex. I think that if our relationship was better, I wouldn’t sleep with other men in the first place.” She adds: “I’ve been faithful before – but I choose not to be now.”

But for most people, cheating isn’t so simple – even when the consequences are minimal. Take Carmen Martinez*, a 28-year-old waitress in San Juan, Puerto Rico. Martinez never thought she was the type to be unfaithful. She and her boyfriend, Jose, had a good relationship, had sex often, rarely argued, and even discussed marriage and children. Then she met John, a businessman who was in town for vacation, at a bar. “He was attractive – but more importantly, so opposite of everything in my life,” she explains. “I was drawn to his ‘different-ness,’ and also by the thrill of doing something I knew I shouldn’t.” But Martinez says that the minute she went back to his hotel room, she knew she’d made a mistake. “The sex wasn’t even that good, and the next morning I hated myself. I vowed to never do it again. The only good thing that came out of it was that now I know I really do love Jose. And I will never cheat on him again.”

WHO’S STRAYING
The fact is, cheating is a reality for many people in committed relationships. Research shows that up to 40 percent of women will cheat on their partners, and more than 50 percent of all men will do the same. This is especially true for individuals who are married: “At least half of all marriages will be affected by infidelity, either from one partner’s cheating or both. And that’s a conservative estimate,” says sociologist and sex expert Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., author of Everything You Know About Love and Sex is Wrong (Perigee, 2002).

WHY WE CHEAT
Exactly why so many people stray is complicated. Like Martinez, cheating may serve as a “litmus test” for some, Schwartz states. “The individual cheats on their partner, consciously or subconsciously thinking that it will reveal something about their relationship with that person.” If they feel terrible afterward, they know they’ve made a mistake, Schwartz explains. But if they find a thrill in it, they may be drawn to cheat again and again – sometimes leaving their partner for another person or to be single, sometimes staying in the relationship but continuing to sleep with others.

Modern life also makes cheating more of a reality: “In today’s world, partners often live parallel lives. Busy careers, a full social life – these things mean that a couple spends less time together, which can make them grow apart,” Schwartz comments. And that emotional distance sets the stage for cheating, says Joel Block, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in couple’s therapy and author of Naked Intimacy (McGraw Hill, 2003). “If you don’t feel that love or loyalty toward your partner, you have less of a reason not to cheat on him or her.”

Log on to the Internet and it becomes clear that technology has also played a major role in why cheating is on the rise. Online dating and sex sites – think nerve.com and craigslist.com, two Web sites that serve many “sex-not-relationships seekers – meaning that finding someone to cheat with may be only a mouse-click away. And keeping that person a secret from your partner is also effortless, thanks to cell phones, e-mail and that catch-all phrase: “I’m working late.”

Notably, unlike Carmen Martinez, sex is a problem for many couples affected by infidelity – they’re either not having enough, or one or both partners find sex with the other person unfulfilling. “I’ve had clients say to me, ‘I have a great relationship, but we don’t have sex.’ I tell them, ‘If the sex isn’t there, you do not have a good relationship,’” Schwartz says. “It’s crucial that you have sex with your partner at least once a week – and that’s bare minimum.”

And forget vanilla sex. Spicing it up is as important as regularity, Block says. “Too much monotony can lead to boring and/or infrequent encounters,” he says. And that means that you – or your partner – may seek satisfaction elsewhere. Psychological profiles of people who have sex outside of their relationship frequently show that they tend to be thrill-seekers, or simply need variety in their lives to stay content. But in fact, most people need some variation – particularly in their sexual relationships – to stay stimulated, says Block, who advises: “Don’t think that you have to be a sexual trailblazer – it’s not about doing sexual acts that make you uncomfortable. It’s about not having sex on your bed at 10 o’clock every other night for three years. Do it on the table, on the floor. Anything to make it feel racy again.”

One of the primary reasons people have affairs is because they’re exciting and forbidden, Schwartz says. “A person who doesn’t find fun in their day-to-day life may be tempted to seek it sexually.” She takes Block’s recommendation a step further, and says that both people in a relationship should strive to do things that excite them in their everyday lives – whether it’s whitewater rafting or running for public office. “Anything that stimulates you is going to make you more fulfilled – both in life and in bed.”

THE HIDDEN SIN
In the same way that technology has made sleeping with someone other than you partner easier, it’s simplified covering it up, too. Forget the “lipstick on the collar” trick or mysterious phone numbers stashed in your partner’s pockets. “Thank movies and television. Cheaters know to be more subtle than that,” Schwartz says. “The evidence is often hard to find because it’s stashed in their work e-mail or on their Blackberry.” Still, she points out, the real tell-tale signs are found in a cheater’s behavior and attitude toward their partner.

For starters, vanity is everything – a cheater tends to take more care in their appearance than they did before, working out after years on the sofa, purchasing expensive clothing or getting a fantastic haircut. Outbursts and anger are another red flag. “A person who’s cheating will look for reasons to blame their partner for problems in their marriage, in an attempt to either consciously or unconsciously justify why they’re not being faithful.” Rather confusingly, the opposite may be true, too – an unfaithful person may become excessively generous to their partner, buying them luxurious things or being excessively sweet. Schwartz explains, “Many people feel guilty, especially when they truly love their spouse and know they’re doing something wrong. Lavish gifts or even overly-affectionate behavior may be an attempt to deal with that guilt.”

DEALING WITH THE AFTERMATH
Of course, many partners do find out that their partner has cheated on them – and the aftermath isn’t always pretty. “I had been cheated on by several men I dated, and each time, I ended the relationship the minute I found out,” says Laura Lee*, a 24-year-old Asian-American airline attendant who lives in Michigan. “For me, that was the ultimate betrayal. But when I suspected my husband was cheating on me, I decided I was willing to work it out, no matter what – I was more invested in him than I’d been in the others.” Still, says Lee, “It was probably the hardest conversation I’ve ever had. There were a lot of tears shed that week. It was miserable.”

Whether you’ve cheated or your partner has cheated, the sooner you get to the bottom of things, the better, says Robert Feldman, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts. “No matter how you look at it, infidelity is one of the most difficult things a couple will ever have to deal with. Getting past that hurt, that breach of trust – that can take months and even years, if both partners are even willing to work to get past it.” He adds, “Many times, staying together is simply not an option. That’s the risk a person takes when he or she cheats in the first place.”

* Names with asterisks have been changed.