I will never procrastinate again

PROCRASTINATING
IS THE PITS
God As My
Witness, I Will Never
Procrastinate Again
By Ginger Fulkerson-Harris

It's been three weeks, six days and 19 hours since I was assigned this piece for Vis.A.Vis, and I've consciously waited until right now, the actual day this story is due, to begin typing this first sentence. Oh, this isn't the first time I've put off an assignment. In fact, I could write a book about all the cockamamie predicaments I've gotten myself into because I waited until the last minute to get started on something. And chapter one of that book would be called "College."ť

Ah, yes, four years of pouring gallons of caffeine-loaded sodas down my throat and begging my eyelids to stay open just a bit more as I crammed for tests. Four glorious years of creatively recycling already-written papers because the proverbial 11th hour had come and I had slept through the alarm. Only back then, I wasn't alone. Surrounded by a group of mind-racing, page-flipping study buddies, we collectively shared the same condemning thought: "How on earth am I going to pull this off?"ť But we never gave up hope. We simply jolted our senses with coffee, cola and sugarcoated snacks and forged on. We were a team bound by laziness. A group united in dawdling. Champions of dragging our feet.

As the lax world of college transpires into the real world, those who majored in last-minute-it is quickly learn that as comforting as group procrastination is, single procrastination is just lonely and scary. It's no fun sitting in bed at 3 a.m. in front of a blank laptop screen trying to find the right words to say about the difference in laundry detergents for that story you committed yourself to months ago. Your husband snores, falling one step closer into the arms of slumber as you frantically try to write something comprehensive, let alone intelligent or witty. Suddenly you realize maybe it wasn't all that important to watch the My Super Sweet 16 marathon on MTV, even if it was the episode where the snotty, spoiled rich kids comment on their show. It's here in this head-beaded-up-with-sweat, panic-induced fix you realize you've been bitten by the procrastination bug, and like a poison spreading its infection through your veins, you know you've been putting this off, shoving it to the back corner of your mind until the absolute last minute, which, of course, is right now. And now the race is on. You swear this is the last time. You'll do better. You'll start on that assignment the week, no, the day, no, the hour it is given to you. Yes, you think to yourself, with God as my witness, I will never procrastinate again.

And you'd better take cover the next time God starts shoving those lightening bolts around, because you are nothing more than a truth bender (liar is such a harsh word). This "reverse procrastination"ť you swore to only so many days before never seems to hold. Before you know it, it will be next month, the clock will read 3:53 a.m. and there you will be again, palms sweating, heart racing, stomach sinking as a blank computer screen taunts you (OK, me).

If you think this pattern of procrastination plagues just you, fear not. When it comes to being infected by that nasty 15-letter "p"ť word, even though your college cronies aren't there by your side, they too are out there somewhere working in a frenzy to finish something that is essentially due right now. Just because they traded in their beer bongs for briefcases when they graduated doesn't mean they've gotten any better at time management. Remember, you are not alone. You aren't the laziest human on the planet. You aren't the worst of the worst. If you want the truth of the matter, you are just a number, my friend.

Just think of all the ways our society relies on procrastination. Procrastination is the reason the IRS allows us to file extensions for our taxes (because filing taxes is about as much fun as cleaning a public toilet, and when it comes to unpleasantness, procrastination whispers sweet nothings in our ears until we are deaf to our obligations). Late notices, 24-hour markets, extended shopping hours during the holidays - the world around us just keeps making it easier and easier to wait until the absolute dead-last minute to get anything done. With so many things catering to our laziness, how do we overcome the infectious disease of procrastination? Hold on and I'll get back to you about that - but you may have to wait a bit - I'm procrastinating that answer too.